Monday, September 13, 2010

On Your Own...

First things first. This piece is not directed at any friend or a set of friends. It is a mere reflection of our lives and times. Every word here (or every barb here) is as much directed at myself as anybody else. As always, 99 percent of those who read beyond sentence #5, would dismiss this as another introspective nonsense (not) rooted in any logic. However, that, will abundantly help me reiterate what I call "the new normal" in our lives - " you are on your own - in happiness, in sorrow, on weekdays and on weekends" !

New normal !! Weird, isn't it? Its been like this forever, everbody on their own, right? Right. Or I guess at least since the time we started living in big metros with fat wallets and fatter sense of propriety. Our social structure became us - husband, wife and kid. Everybody else was just giving a guest appearance , that too on a weekend.

So, what's wrong with this structure? You work hard. You invest your time and energy trying to secure your future. When is the time to develop the social structure? What is the need? Absolutely no need when your life's on song. Quite logical.

But is there any need when life's not on song? Intriguingly, most of the folks around me seem to say "no need" even when life's not being too benevolent. "We have to be on our own", they say, in a voice that labors to be convincing. Hmm!

Amongst several things the West has bequeathed us, is this sense of being self-sufficient. You have a toolbox which can help you fix every problem that you have - no need to reach out to others. Now, this is great for self-development but I wonder if we are taking this toolbox thing over zealously. I wonder if folks consider it fashionable to be on their own, not enlisting help. I seriously wonder.

It seems that we are forgetting that there is a softer, emotional side to human beings that cannot always be catered to by toolboxes, movies, music and for that matter by the immediate family. There has to be a strong emotional connect which should bind human beings - a connect that should overlook schedules, preferences and even propriety. A connect that should prompt them to be more impromptu. Like, forgetting a weekday or a weekend chore and walking up (or driving down) to meet a friend(or a colleague or an acquaintance) who has ..well..just had a surgery!

Now you know what has stirred the sociologist and the philosopher in me! I underwent a surgery 5 days back. If you count the minutes of the procedure (30 min) or the fact that I was discharged 3 hours after being administered general anesthesia, you would think that this was a minor surgery. But if you were to see my daily travails ever since, you may think that the "minor" word is a touch harsh.

So, how did my social structure do? I called up my childhood friend in new york to inform him that I had finally decided to go under the knife. Next thing he does -he takes (an expensive) plane ride into charlotte the night before just to be with me on the D-day !! Works wonders for me.

Day of the surgery- some more support..a colleague takes half a day off, another lands at the hospital just to be around with plenty of moral support and sandwiches. Perfect !

Night of the surgery - a colleague and his wife living next door turn up to say hello. Another affable couple troop in with some food. This is great, I am thinking. My solid social structure is at work.

But ever since then? Just a few stray calls...Nobody has dared to fiddle with their sacrosanct weekend schedule and make a call, leave aside coming over. No doctor (outside the B'movies) will say that a smiling visitor is a substitute for the 600 mg ibuprofen. But every patient (in and outside the B'movies) would say that the 600 mg ibuprofen worked better when a smiling visitor was hanging around.

And this has what got me thinking - this philosophy of "everybody on their own" ("US mein yeh sab to khud hi karna padega") and this near charade of propriety ("its weekend, let's not disturb them") is perhaps robbing the spontaneity, fun and emotional elements out of human relationships. It seems everything needs to follow a script, every action is measured, every outcome is judged !

Now, would the situation have been any different if, let's say, another colleague would be in my position and I in theirs? My shameful answer is - no ! I would have mirror-imaged their actions. I have, in fact, done so in the past. Like when somebody's wife delivered a baby and we met them 4 months later due to "schedule conflicts".. Or when my friend's infant son in India was fighting a bitter battle with Cancer, I would call or write very occasionally. ("He has to, unfortunately, weather this on his own", I would say to my inner voice to mask my guilt)..or more recently, when my colleague's daughter split her lip after a nasty fall, I promised a visit but contented myself with a few follow-up phone calls.

So the finger stands pointed in my own direction. Undoubtedly.

But I wish this experience changes me.

I wish I break the barriers of propriety and connect with folks whenever MY heart says "yeah, go ahead".

I wish I wholeheartedly welcome folks who knock the door without notice or I wish I knock their doors without sending an advance memo (desis in US make mandatory phone calls before knocking the door btw).

I wish I make my social structure more meaningful for myself and for the folks in my social horizon.

I really wish I become a little more imperfect, and I wish others do too !

2 comments:

Unknown said...

Just remember one of the joke they cracked in the movie Dabangg....sahib, yahan sab o apna khud pakdna padta hai :-)

Unknown said...

Totally relate to and agree with every word here. Very well put in a small interesting blog! On our own in this big world!